In the last five days at work, I've spent at least 8 of my (minimum) 9 hours at the office each day trying not to cry. Five of those five days, I have failed at that task, and also at waiting until at least 10:00 to plow through all my daily snacks. Strangely, on my recent annual evaluation, the attorneys all mentioned the gross misconception that I'm "cool under pressure." This means that either 1) I'm better than I thought at closing my door before my daily "leave Britney alone!!!"-style breakdown, or 2) They are all deaf, dumb, and blind.
Draw your own conclusion. Mine will get me fired.
Anyway, tonight's attempt to black out my gainful employment has involved barbecue, red wine, and making tepid, disinterested love to the TV, which led me to rediscover the magic of Sigourney Weaver, as the voice of Mother Nature on "Planet Earth." PE is my new most favorite pastime, largely because it's the most relaxing thing to be part of, short of getting a lobotomy or lying in a bed full of puppies. Since my puppies are on backorder till July, PE stepped up to the plate and really performed like a champ. LB and I caught "Shallow Seas," which I prefer to "Deep Seas," since it involves far fewer starring roles played by goblins or Tyra Banks. Because I'm on a never-ending quest for knowledge and snacks, I came up with a few important questions that I would like answered. Perhaps you can help.
1) How do whales reproduce? The way they just drift around like unmanned rowboats leads me to believe that vigorous sexual activity may not be within their skill set. Something I may have learned in middle school, or that I may have made up, is that dude whales leave their sperm all over the place, and then the valiant, intrepid sperms get all up on the lady whales like Perez Hilton on the Oscars, and wham! baby whales. But I could be wrong.
2) Where can I buy a herd of pygmy seahorses? Something has to occupy my time and love until those back-ordered puppies arrive.
3) I would be afraid of sea snakes if they didn't look so damn much like party streamers. With, um, fangs and death.
I'm going to go make cookies before Google stops returning results for my queries on "whale porn."
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