The Only Thing You Have to Fear Is Fear Yourself

I came home in the middle of the day today for lunch, and discovered that I'm an idiot. Twice over, actually. If that's not holiday magic, I don't know what is. In broad daylight, on a Monday, in a neighborhood where the most dramatic thing to happen is one neighbor's lab pooping on another neighbor's lawn/toddler, I pulled up to my house and attempted to park in front of it, except there was a small, shady-looking black Saturn right in front of my house (and by "shady looking," I mean "not mine"). I parked behind it and eyed it warily, like a bulemic at a buffet, sizing it up. I eventually determined that the only thing this could mean was that someone was in my house, waiting to take my stuff, my cat, or my sweet, sweet virtue. I walked up to the house, looking stealthily in all the windows, unlocked the front door, and went ahead and dialed 911--I didn't hit SEND. I just felt like, should a masked man jump out from my coat closet and grab me, it would be a wonderfully practical idea to be able to hit send and just like that! Police would swarm around and I would be saved!

Nevermind that in a situation as minorly stressful as a departmental meeting, I can forget such simple details as my own job title, objectives, and at times, name. Clearly, if I were attacked by a Midday Masked Man, I would possess the clear presence of mind to call the police.

I grabbed the cat as soon as I walked in, confident that my sharply-honed attack cat would alert me to any Midday Masked Men and vanquish them on the spot. What he was really interested in was tummy rubs and a refill of his food bowl, as if he couldn't live off his own personal fat reserves for at least six days. We prowled through the house, cat-man and I, acutely tuned to any and all disruptions in the normal state of the house (and one of us purring--but only when he rubbed me in just the right spot). We left no stone unturned, and SURPRISE! found nothing.

Relieved but disappointed, I fed the attack cat, ate some lunch, and went back to work. It was only on my way back to work that I realized what a doofus I was.

Really, if you were going to break into a house to lie in wait to do something nefarious or eat all the ice cream in the house, would you park in front of the house in the middle of the day?

Criminal mastermind I am not.