I used to work in customer service. The year right out of college that I spent working at what I would politely call a daily bucket of suck taught me a very important lesson about getting what you want out of people who can help you. If you give customer service a reason to hate you, they probably can't do a thing about it without getting fired--which is, in fact, sometimes their goal. They can throw darts at your file, they can put the phone on mute and hiss like a feral cat in heat at you, and they can fart in your general direction, but ultimately, they have to help you.
But, if you're nice to them, you might get a little something extra, just for being a cut above the average mouth-breathing teleclown. This was the angle I was trying to work tonight when I decided to email the customer service elves at 1-800 Contacts to get some clarification on why, time and time again, they insist on squatting on my order for at least a week before they ship it. I was hoping that maybe, by working my inherent charm and feminine wiles, I could perhaps con them into upgrading my order to overnight shipping, or even kicking it out the door before the summer solstice.
I think I failed.
Here is what I sent them, unedited for your judgment.
Hello 1-800 Contacts,
I have a question about the order that I just placed, and I'm hoping you have the correct answer for me. While the order status page shows that it will ship in 2-3 business days, the information under one of the specific products I ordered (toric lenses) is showing that it won't ship until June 26. What's up with that? I don't know who to believe. I'm hoping it's the 2-3 business days option, because frankly, I rely upon the speediness and presumed prompt service of internet ordering to allow me to indulge my inner procrastinator, and wait until my last pair is practically a couple of crunchy cornflakes before I reorder. Waiting until June 26, and then waiting another five to seven business days for FedEx to drop-kick them over to me, is really going to cramp my style. I really don't like wearing my glasses to work. Hence, you know, contacts.
If we can step back and refocus for a minute, there's a bigger picture I'd like to take a gander at. This is the fourth time I've ordered this same product from your fine e-stablishment, and every single time, I get an email the day after I place my order, telling me that my order will be delayed for at least a half a lunar cycle. Is there an ongoing hostage situation with the toric lenses that I, as a concerned citizen of the world, need to be aware of? I'd be more than happy to do my part to help liberate them in advance of June 26. It just really takes the quickness and convenience out of quick and convenient internet ordering to be hit with a lethargic ten-day lead time every single time. I want to trust you, 1-800 Contacts, I really do. Just give me a sign.
Speaking of, my birthday is June 22. Any chance these could ship out by the time I blow out the candles?
Thanks for your help,
Grace
My God. It seemed perfectly reasonable when I wrote it, but after hitting send, I realized that there are only two ways this can end: They completely ignore my email and the resulting desire to drive out here and bitch-slap me, or they ship my lenses early. After having licked them.
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2 comments:
My granny always used to say you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar. She also used to say if you don't stop yelling at me I'm going to piss in your soup. I'm just sayin you might want to double check what those contacts have been packaged in.
that reminds me of a payment for a bill that I recently mailed in, only to have some ass clown mail it back to me, and then I got hit with a late payment fee. So I called about it and this lady told me of some ridiculous paperwork I had to fill out to get the late fee waivered, and I was like OMG WHY DID I GET MY PAYMENT SENT BACK TO ME and she was like "did you put it to someone's attention?" and I said "no, since when do you have to address a bill payment to a specific person" and she said, "well I don't know why you're hollering at me. you should've put it to someone's attention." by then I was so mad I hung up the phone.
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