Twilight My Candle, Baby

Old goal for Friday night: Paint bedroom doors

New goal for Friday night: Drink a bottle of Pinot and then go watch "Twilight."

Right, srsly, am I the only one in the free world (and the prison one, too, from what I'm hearing) who was completely ignorant re: this whole Dracula-hottie craze till today? I vaguely remember hearing something about the books when they turned into a social force greater than Madonna's chesticles, and how they were inspiring mothers to have frank, real discussions with their teenage daughters about sex, but since I A) don't have teenage girls, and B) am pretty sure it would be considered odd if I started frank, real discussions about sex with random teenage girls, I moved along and forgot about it. THEN SUDDENLY BAM!!! The movie descended on the mortal world and I could no longer ignore it. I wish I could, because I try to steer clear of the emo-world at all costs, but much like the heroin-chic of the 90s, emo-chic is apparently where it's at.

In defense of the heroin chics, at least they shower.

Anyway, all I've gathered is that the movie is a hot-blooded fangsty romance centered around lusty glances and stolen kisses between an emo-girl and an emo-vampire, sprinkled generously with chalk dust and hair wax. Teen romances are always hilarious, and the hilarity can only multiply with the addition of -wait for it- FANGS. Really, people. High School Musical? Unintentionally hilarious. High School Musical with Zac Efron with fangs, as the world's first openly metrosexual vampire? I wouldn't even need wine to get through that one. Plus think of all the doors it would open for the *closeted* mextrosexual vamps. But I digress.

So far the best, and as far as I'm concerned, the most complete plot description ever that I've been able to find is this, from cleolinda.livejournal.com: “Yeah, it’s like, Bella wants to be a vampire but she doesn’t want to be a vampire before she’s had sex as a human, and Edward doesn’t want her to be a vampire but he wants to get married, but Bella doesn’t want to get married unless she can be a vampire, but Edward won’t have sex with her until they get married, and then you put the fox and the grain in the boat and you leave the goose back on the riverbank.” I really don't care what the plot is beyond that, although I know that by saying that, I open myself up to the emo-fans coming after me to slap me or Kill Me For Real.

What I really love is the reference to THE most effing awful mindfuck of a "brainteaser" (read: mindfuck) ever. Did you catch it? The part about the goose and the grain and the corn and the lass that loved a sailor. As I unfortunately recall from grade school AND law school prep, the real brainfart goes something like this (with minor editorialization): You have a goose, a fox, and a bag of grain on one side of the river. You have a lame, lame rowboat that can only hold you and one of the above-mentioned redneck travel accessories, and you have to get them all to the other side of the river. If you leave the goose with the grain and take the fox first, the goose will eat the grain. If you leave the fox with the goose, the goose will get sassy and the fox will eat it. How do you get them all across without one going all Neanderthal on another?

First off, let's be real. You're never going to get a date whether you get your amigos across the river or not, because no self-respecting chick dates a dude who drives a rowboat. But, given that you own both a fox AND a goose, your dating pool might look different than normal. So we'll spot you one for that. That's about as far as I ever got in solving this problem until today. This problem almost ATE MY SOUL until I figured out the answer. The real answer.

GEESE CAN SWIM, Y'ALL. Here's how you do it. You throw the fox in the boat and tell him that if he hits the goose one more time, you're turnin' this boat around. You put the grain in one of those vacuum-sealing bags that are so cool, just because they're cool (the ones that I maybe once tried to seal my hand into, just to see what it felt like). Then! You tie a rope to the goose, and make him pull your lame rowboat across as punishment for sassing the fox. BAM! Done! Problem solved, with enough time to go look for a date to bring home for dinner, when you cook the goose.

There. That problem may have stopped me from studying for the LSATs, but it's not stopping me from drinking a bottle of Pinot through a clear twisty straw, and going to make fun of randy albino fanged teenagers.