Fumbling at the DMV

Three states and my own beloved Dammit-We're-A-Commonwealth-Not-A-State recently passed legislation that banned smiling in driver's license pictures. I'm so glad that while the war on terror, the war on drugs, the war on illegal aliens, and the war on kids who wear their pants too low continue to rage, our legislators are taking the time to craft legislation governing the really important things in life. They claim that smiling in license pictures obscures certain points on your face that facial recognition software uses to...recognize...your face.

What, were you expecting it to whip you up a frappucino to turn that frown upside-down?

Seriously, between my name, social security number, fingerprints, address, and complete personal history, they still felt it necessary to frump me up for a picture in order to figure out who I am. I would rather they take gallons of my blood, at once, through a clear twisty straw, than force me to look dour in a photo that I cannot do over for ten years.

Then the more I thought about it, I realized they aren't telling me I have to be sad or boring. They're just saying I can't smile. Just that one thing, smiling, is banned like real nipples in a topless bar. (Welcome to Virginia, where the Puritans are still penning the laws with a quill and a vengeance!) There are many expressive faces I can flash for the camera, ensuring that my license photo adequately reflects who I am.

Thus I have created for you Grace's Guide to the DMV, a handy reference for anyone who might be forced to go hand over six hours of their lives while waiting for a shiny new license.

Grace's Guide to the DMV
A Handy Guide for Navigating Those Pesky New Rules

Let's begin with a sampling of what is no longer allowed: Your Friendly Neighborhood Grace
Don't you bring that tricksy tramp 'round these parts again. We just can't trust those teeth.

Next, let's move into the examples of expressions that ARE allowed. Exhibit 1: Twilight Vampire Action Figure Grace is not banned.
Proof of familial relationship to Edward Cullen required before license will be issued.

Exhibit 2: Emotionally Fragile Grace is not banned.
Sugar, we didn't mean to say that you look fat. We just meant that maybe you should suck in your chin. And neck. And five jowls.

Exhibit 3: Grace Grace Beaver Face is not banned.
Please check large bags, backpacks, and residual pieces of dam that you may have on your person at the front desk.

I hope this brief guide will help you breeze through your next adventure at the DMV, jaws clenched against any possible glimmer of a smile, beaver teeth at the ready.

***
I'm vaguely concerned that I staged and posed for any/all of these pictures, but apparently not concerned enough to NOT publish them for the perusal of the whole wide Internets. Shame and I broke up a few years ago, and no way am I going back.