Kitty Poppins

As the owners/parents/slaves of one completely ridiculous cat, Lawyer Boy and I are well acquainted with the mania that is the feline mind. Mango chases dust particles around like they're criminals on the run from his fur-striped Miami Vice. He attacks our feet under the covers suddenly and without warning, when those same feet had served as pillows for the six hours immediately prior. He does whatever the hell he wants, whenever the hell he wants, and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it.

Strangely, we're down with that.

I have seen Mango do some bizarre things in the two years that I've been his bitch, but ten minutes ago, he really topped himself. Allow me to set the scene for you: I'm sitting on the sofa in our living room that faces the fireplace and the TV. LB is lying on the couch next to me, and we're pretty dazed out.

All the sudden, we notice that Mango is standing on the logs in the fireplace, which by the way, is a total black hole of haunted soot. John Gotti could be up there for all we know. I have never looked our eighty-year-old chimney in the eye, and I do not intend to start.

So Mango is now standing on his back legs, lengthy orange body stretched out to his front paws placed on the filthy brick wall. All I'm thinking at this point is, snatch his orange ass as soon as he comes down, as I envision sooty black pawprints on my bedsheets and face. LB and I watched him, amused, as he meowed into the foul depths of the chimney and tried to get traction on the wall. Spider-Cat he is not.

And suddenly, in the midst of our snickering, Mango vanished up the chimney! He just disappeared, tiny orange feet flying up the chimney like a pad-foot Mary Poppins! It took LB and me a second to process what we had just seen, and then the panic set in. HOLY CRAP THE CAT JUST DISAPPEARED UP THE CHIMNEY!!!

Once we regained the ability to move, we both ran over to the fireplace, staring up into the black abyss. This may come as a shock, but looking up a dirty chimney at night does not afford one a great deal of visibility. However, there was ZERO CAT in the chimney! THE CHIMNEY ATE THE CAT! So now we know the chimney is, like me, a meatatarian.

After a minute of staring, our eyes adjusted to the dark, and we saw a twitching tail on the wall. Who knew there was a shelf in the chimney? Is there a shelf in your chimney? Who is seriously acquainted with chimney anatomy? Aside from Dick Van Dyke and those nice chimney sweeps, that is. But they are on vacay right now, so we have to rescue Mango on our own. After a few sweet words and a little begging, Mango was still unwilling to come down from his perch. However, as soon as we pulled out the camera to take a picture of his catfoolery to share with all of you, he leapt down quick as a...cat. And quick as a cat, I grabbed him to hose him off before he dappled my sheets with little foot kisses.

I would like to have no more surprises tonight. I would also really, really like to watch "Mary Poppins" now.