Snaps To You Awards: The Butterfly Gift Fairy

Snaps to you, my best friend Shelley's mom, for consistently finding the most carnie-style and bizarre gifts for any and all gifting holidays (and some not, like St. Patty's Day). I've known Shelley for almost eight years now, and a garage sale at Michael Jackson's pad couldn't hold a candle to some of the gift-wrapped weirdness that's popped up in her lucky stocking. The thing about Shelley's mom is that, twenty-six years into (s)mothering Shelley, she's still not fully on board with the fact that she and Shelley are two extremely different people. Here is an illustrative chart:

Shelley's Mom's Likes:

• Butterflies
• Dainty flowers, dainty doilies, and other dainteries
• Kittens and all manner of cuddly things
• Pleated-front pants
  
• Things that kind of do nothing except sit around and collect dust and have flowers on them

Shelley's Likes:

• Running marathons
• Being in the army
• Being sporty and badass
• Not being dainty
• Cake and wine

I would have constructed a Venn diagram to make my point, but the only thing to go in the middle would have been "ovaries," so I felt like it would be a waste of my MS Paint skills.

Sometimes the gifts Shelley's mom gets her are clear attempts to get her things she thinks Shelley could use, and as an example of this, I offer The Year of the Glitterpants. Shelley's mom (who, for simplicity and no other discernible reason, will henceforth be known as Mrs. Batwing) was trying to get her, I think, fun party clothes for college, resulting in the tragic acquisition of a pair of skin-tight jeans entirely bedazzled in silver glitter. Like, so outrageously bedazzled that said pants snowed glitter 24/7. These would have been great for a fun college party, if Shelley had attended college at the Playboy Mansion, and was also RuPaul. Back they went.

Shelley's birthday is two days after Baby Jesus', so Mrs. Batwing really has to hustle and flow to bring the magic twice in one week. And oh, this year, how the magic was broughten. For Christmas, Mrs. Batwing got Shelley a tiny plate, covered in all sorts of dainty, precious baby flowers, big enough to hold a single Oreo. Shelley had no idea what it could be other than a portion-control diet plate. Apparently (and this is only hearsay) it's a plate whose sole purpose in life, its entire reason for being, is to hold a wet teabag. I have henceforth called it The Teabagger, and have not stopped laughing ever since.

For Shelley's birthday, Mrs. Batwing dug deep into the bowels of her creativity and really yanked out a winner. She took a picture of Shelley with which she is inexplicably obsessed, and did nefarious things with it. Exhibit A, the mug shot:

Shelley is completely mortified by this picture. So of course, for the sake of weaving my intricate web of storytelling, I'm sharing it with the whole wide Internet. LYLAS, chica!

Anyway, Mrs. Batwing had this Mona Lisa made into real USPS stamps, for spreading the humiliation far and wide, and in case that wasn't enough dignity damage for one holiday, she also had it emblazoned on every page of a notepad for Shelley. Outside of the envelope, for postal worker viewing pleasure: Army Shelley! Inside the envelope, visible only to the lucky recipient: Army Shelley! For a small finder's fee, I'll give Shelley your address, and you, my friend, can constitute the only time these rare objets d'art see the light of day (and thank G0d).

Capping off the festive oddities in a totally unexpected way, Shelley's mom also gave her a silver Tiffany's necklace. It really brings out the sparkle in the glitterpants, and that nice silver button on the green beret.