Definition: The removal of a muffin

Today I had to make an important decision. (I know, right--who let me?) I get one precious hour of jailbreak for lunch every day, and today I had two options to occupy this time: 1) Read the 647-page stimulus bill, which Lawyer Boy had already read, outlined, and emailed to me for perusal, helping me to stay informed and knowledgeable about the procedures and policies that impact my life as a tax-paying American, OR 2) Blog about names I call my cat.

Frankly, my concern in picking up the stimulation* policy was that it would be so riveting, every word gripping my imagination and pulling me through page after page till the dramatic conclusion, that I wouldn’t be able to put down the congressional Harry Potter 7 until I was done six hours later.

And thus we find ourselves here, where logic took a left turn away from reality and crashed into a swamp of dysfunction. Ladies and gentlemen, the halls of Congress!

Ahem. Onward!

I have a socially awkward habit of nicknaming everyone, almost as soon as I meet them, from the babies of people I don’t know, all the way up to my boss. After enough sideways stares and tight-lipped cautious chuckles, I learned to keep these gems to myself, except with those who know and love me, including Lawyer Boy, my family, and the pope. My favorite victim is the cat, Mango, who not only doesn’t stare at me carefully, trying to memorize my features to reproduce on a police sketch later, but who seems to love me regardless of what comes out of my mouth. Here, for your disapproval, is a short list of names I most frequently call the cat:

Mangocat
Man-o
Mongoloid
Mango Lloyd Webber
Mango Q.
Q-Bear
Mangostein
Mancat
CatMan
TallMan
SmallMan
CatFriend
Best CatFriend
Kittenduck
Duckie
Duckily-doo
Ducksworth
TankyPants McChunkyButt
Kittles
Kittles McSkittles
Muffin Man
Muffinpants
Muffinopolis
Muffles
Puffles
Fluffles
Fluffington Puffles

Additionally, my mom calls Mango “Mongolio” and my dad calls him “Magnito,” so good news! This disorder appears to be genetic. Scientists can eventually eradicate it from our DNA, just like Down’s syndrome and that gene that makes some people grody close-talkers.

Lawyer Boy, by comparison, has just one nickname for the cat: Skab, an acyonym for Shitty-Kitty-Ass-Bag.

I don’t have as many royal titles for the dogs as I do for Mango Q., but it’s only because we haven’t had them as long. I’m sure that in time, I’ll have damaged their psyches as well. For now I usually stick to derivations of the ever-endearing “Muffin,” but the other day Lawyer Boy caught me calling one of the dogs “Muffinectomy” and finally put his foot down on the madness. Apparently it was all fun and games with “Doggley O’Drools,” but “Muffinectomy” defined the line between sweetly ridiculous and frighteningly maniacal.

I’d be interested to know if other people blanket their pets with a deluge of dumb like I do. If you can give me one that beats out “Muffinectomy,” I’ll share it with everyone.

I still have some time left, so I could go read about The Stimulation, but I’m going to save that one for Saturday afternoon and a cup of cocoa.

*You totally know they call it that in secret meetings.